Do You Need Permission to Put a Headstone on a Grave?

Yes, and from two different people. Before a monument can be set on a grave, the person who owns the plot has to authorize it and the cemetery has to approve it. Families often discover the second one late, after a stone is already designed, and that is an expensive place to find out.

Here is how it actually works, and what to settle before you order anything.

The two approvals

1. The plot owner

Cemetery plots are sold as burial rights, and the person named on the deed holds them. That person is the one the cemetery will deal with, and it is frequently not the closest relative. A grandchild paying for the monument does not automatically have the standing to authorize it; a surviving spouse or the child named on the deed usually does.

This catches people out. A cemetery office will often decline to release plot information to someone who is not the deed holder, which can stop a well-meaning family member in their tracks. If you are not sure who holds the deed, call the cemetery office and ask who is on record. If the deed holder has died, the burial rights generally pass to their next of kin.

When more than one branch of a family is involved, get everyone's agreement in writing before the proof is approved. A monument is permanent and a disagreement discovered after engraving cannot be undone.

2. The cemetery

Every cemetery has its own regulations, and they are not suggestions. The cemetery can require a monument be removed if it does not comply, and engraved granite cannot be returned, resized or re-colored. This is why we ask families to confirm the cemetery's rules before we cut anything.

What cemeteries actually restrict

In our experience across the Carolinas, these are the rules that come up:

• Flat or upright. Many memorial parks are flat-marker only, sometimes across the whole grounds, sometimes only in certain sections. If the section is flat-only, an upright monument is simply not an option and a grass level marker is what you are choosing between.
• Size. Cemeteries specify the maximum footprint of both the monument and its base, and a single plot and a double plot have different allowances.
• Thickness. Some require a heavier stone at larger sizes. We work with a city cemetery that requires six-inch thickness once a marker reaches a certain size.
• Material. Some sections are bronze only. Some cemeteries restrict granite colors, and a jet black or a red granite that is allowed in one section may not be allowed in the next one over.
• Flower vases. The one that surprises families most. Some cemeteries specify the vase material, and the difference is not small: we have quoted a $300 vase for a family only to find the cemetery required a bronze one closer to $700. Zinc vases cannot be engraved at all, so if you want a name on the vase that rules them out.
• Benches, coping and ledgers. Granite benches and full ledgers are not allowed everywhere. Where ledgers are permitted, many cemeteries require them set flush with the ground so mowers can pass over.

Rules also change. Cemeteries are bought and sold, and a policy that held for thirty years can change with new ownership. What a cemetery told your family in 2010 is not necessarily what it will allow today.

The cemetery's fees, and why nobody can quote them for you

Most cemeteries charge a fee when an outside monument is installed. It may be called an outside installation fee, a foundation fee or a perpetual care fee. It is the cemetery's money, not the monument company's, and it is usually collected by the monument company and remitted to the cemetery.

The range is wide enough to change which monument you buy. Two real examples from our own service area:

• A city cemetery that charges a flat $30 , which we collect and send to them monthly.
• A memorial park that charges by the square inch of the granite base . At the rate we have on file, a mid-size bronze marker's base carried a cemetery fee of more than $700 , on top of the marker itself.

That is the same job at two cemeteries twenty minutes apart. It is why an honest quote has to include the cemetery's fee as its own line, and why we call the cemetery rather than guess. When you are comparing prices between monument companies, make sure you are comparing the same things: the stone, the setting, the cemetery fee, and sales tax.

What we handle, and what only you can do

For monuments we set ourselves, we contact the cemetery, confirm the specifications, handle the foundation and the setting, and collect the cemetery's fee so you are not writing a second check to a second office.

What we cannot do is stand in for the plot owner. The cemetery will want authorization from the person on the deed, and in many cases will not discuss the plot with anyone else. That call has to come from your family.

If your monument is shipping outside our service area, the approval is yours to get, and so is the installer. A good starting point is the nearest funeral home; they work with local monument companies constantly and can usually tell you who sets stones in that cemetery.

What to ask the cemetery office, before you shop

One phone call, five minutes, and it will save you weeks:

1. Who is the deed holder of record for this plot?
2. Does this section allow upright monuments, or flat markers only?
3. What are the maximum dimensions for the monument and the base on this plot?
4. Is there a required thickness, a required material, or any restriction on granite color?
5. Are flower vases allowed, and is a particular material required?
6. Is there a waiting period after burial before a permanent stone can be set?
7. Do you pour the foundation, or does the monument company?
8. What is your fee for setting an outside monument, and how is it calculated?

Write the answers down and bring them with you. Any monument company worth buying from will ask for exactly this list, and having it in hand is the difference between a quote you can rely on and one that changes later.

Frequently asked questions

Can I put a headstone on a grave without the family's permission?

Not if you are not the deed holder. The cemetery's authorization comes from whoever owns the burial rights. If you want to mark the grave of a relative whose plot belongs to another branch of the family, start by asking the cemetery who is on record.

What if the grave has been unmarked for years?

You can still mark it. The process is the same: establish who holds the burial rights, confirm the cemetery's current rules, then order. There is no deadline, and there is no settling period to wait out on an old grave.

Do I need permission on a family or church cemetery?

Usually there is still someone responsible, a church board, a cemetery association or a family trustee, and they may have rules of their own even when nothing is written down. Ask before you order.

Can the cemetery reject a design?

Yes. Custom shapes and unusual designs are the ones most often refused, so on anything out of the ordinary, take the drawing to the cemetery for approval before it goes to production. It costs nothing to ask and a great deal to be wrong.

If you tell us the cemetery, we will make the call and find out what is allowed there before you commit to anything. You can reach any of our showrooms from the contact page, and our guide to what a headstone costs explains the rest of the pricing.